Miss Sue
by Kevin3
Summary: Yet another nasty swipe at all those Sues out there. I think that about sums it up. Chapter 3 is up, making the story even worse.... come on, with a summary like this, you know you Have to read it
1. Chapter 1

**Miss Sue**

Disclaimer: If I need to explain to you that I'm not the author of the Harry Potter series, you probably shouldn't be reading Harry Potter fanfiction parodies.

-----

McGonagall, to date, had never spewed her welcoming feast pumpkin juice quite this far. Or for that matter, at all.

"WHAT!" she said, rereading the note, not able to believe what it said, completely oblivious to the fact that there was now a third year Ravenclaw dripping wet and glaring at her.

Headmistress McGonagall,

If you have received this note, it is because I have passed on and am unable to carry this burden any longer. I have finally located the prophecy detailing the actual downfall of Voldemort. Unfortunately, it mentions the 'Greatest Sue' several times, leaving you with the rather lamentable task of finding just that - the Greatest Mary-Sue. I have the utmost faith in you, and I know the forces of good will triumph in the end.

- Albus Dumbledore

"Look at this!" Minerva spat, thrusting the note between Flitwick and Trelawney.

"Ouch," Flitwick said, wincing.

"I," Trelawney said mistily, "see a dire attempt to give a hastily concocted plot reason..."

"Oh, shut up," McGonagall said irritated. "Well, bring on the Sues..."

-----

"Why do you reckon we were chosen to be the announcers?" Ron asked Luna as they walked out to the quidditch pitch. The school had originally planned on using the Great Hall, but found there wasn't quite enough room. Not because a large part of the school wanted to watch, but because there simply too many sue applicants to fit within the Great Hall. Fortunately, McGonagall had gone through the harrowing task of filtering out all but the most potent entries before they actually got to the main competition. "For that matter, why did the welcoming feast have a sorting song?"

Luna merely shrugged, but the more Ron thought about it, the more he realized that... any time Mary Sue paid a visit in a story, all the little creative details like the sorting song went suspiciously absent. As impossible as it sounded, it was almost as if the presence of a Mary-Sue character degraded the importance of all the things that made their universe unique. But that was utterly ridiculous. Sue writers must have good reasons not to include the sorting song or writing for any canon character in the Hufflepuff house, right?

The Ravenclaws were conspicuously absent from the stands, probably because their practice for the match against Slytherin two weeks later was cancelled to make room for this event. There were a smattering of Slytherins and a decent amount of miscellaneous and unnamed Hufflepuffs (either showing up out of politeness or to try to make a point that they actually did exist) - but about half of the attendees were older Gryffindor guys obviously hoping for at least a bit of an eyeful. Harry and Draco weren't in attendance.

"Whoa..." Ron said, his eyes widening a bit as he smiled, walking towards the field.

"Hello," a beautiful golden blond haired girl said in a cheerful voice, walking up to him wearing customized quidditch robes that displayed a modest amount of skin.

"Ron!" another voice, from an equally stunning teen with auburn hair and a bubbling voice. "It's been so long!" She had custom robes herself, making one wonder when quidditch robes suddenly turned into outfits to flaunt the female body.

Ron, for his part, couldn't remember ever seeing or hearing about these girls before (so why were they acting so familiar around him?) - but wasn't inclined to say anything of the sort when they were being so open and friendly! While Ron's eyes were darting back and forth between the two girls' faces (and fighting not to inch downward) Luna noticed McGonagall with a distasteful look on her face waving them over.

"Come on, Ron. I think McGonagall wants us to go up to the announcer's booth."

The girls immediately grew disappointed faces, clearing wishing to bask in Ron's presence awhile longer (something, frankly, that Ron was quite unused to.) In the end, the thing that did the trick was someone nearby saying something that by pure coincidence sounded a bit like 'Hermione'.

"Quiet a turnout!" Ron said, taking his seat at the announcer's booth.

"It is," Luna agreed. Several seconds of silence followed.

Ron rolled his eyes at Luna's adept and profuse commentary. "Now, everyone... just so we're all on the same page, there are going to be four competitions today in order to judge the beautiful and captivating... I mean... to judge the Mary Sues. And what better way to start out than by... The Flying Competition!"

Ten girls walked out onto the field, all of which were holding an exotic broom. Four of them only had a Firebolt, until this moment widely believed to be the best broom in the world - which singled them out for elimination. No, a true Mary-Sue would never have something quite so barely-normal; the great hopes were on the other six, which had brooms named 'Zenith 3027', 'Murikos Revenge', 'Phoenix Flame', 'Firebolt v2.1', 'Thundercall', and 'The Blazing Smiting Stick of Zeus Almighty'. In the case of the last broom, a small banner was required to trail from the end to hold the last half of the name, as the shaft of the broomstick wasn't long enough to hold the lettering.

"Those are odd brooms," Luna said, peering at them as she leaned forward in her seat. "Non regulation, which is good."

"Hm?" Ron asked, enraptured by both the brooms and the women holding them - all of which were wearing noticably less than full quidditch robes. "Why is that?"

"Because most broom makers these days put compulsion spells that work through imperceptable vibration. Never ride a normal broom without at least two pairs of robes."

Ron grunted as he continued oggling, and only after a dirty look from McGonagall did he shout, "So! Let's get started! The first contestant is... Temperance Kay Mathesius!"

A young woman with a petite but perfectly sculpted form of carmel skin stepped forward onto the pitch, blond hair catching the sunlight in a bit of a glimmer. She flashed a subtle but winning smile at the audience and Ron, before mounting her broom, her decidedly immodest robes swirling a bit around her.

"Ron, are you drooling?" Luna asked over the loudspeaker. "Did a Berethian Beetle bite you?"

"Mmephpnh..." Ron protested. "I'm not drooling!"

Temperance kicked off from the ground, showing off her flying skills. Despite all the descriptions of Harry Potter being the best flyer most people had ever seen, it was clear now that the Boy-Who-Lived was not even close to the level of Miss Mathesius. Every move she executed with startling precision and perfection, elevating the flying to something approaching artwork.

"That was pretty good," Luna said blandly.

Ron blinked. "That was bloody brilliant!" he argued.

Temperance shot a wink at Ron before disembarking and leaving the stands.

Luna shrugged, and said, "The next contestant is Somntoe Anaya Namagirm. Odd name."

McGonagall muttered under her breath, "Stupid authors thinking they're being creative by using an anagram. Usually they come up with better names than this, though. Somntoe? What kind of girl is named Somntoe?"

Somntoe, for her part, looked quite unlike the first flyer. Hair that was darker than black swirled around her, and her eyes were an intense and piercing ice-blue. Her flying as well held a different tone; while Temperance's perfection had a natural flowing feel, Somntoe's had a terrible imperiousness to it as if it was a contest of her will against the world. She triumphed easily, though, an eerie sense of doom pervading through the entire affair.

"Great..." McGonagall muttered. "An evil sue, just what we need."

The next contestant walked out onto the field, a sleek and shimmering veil of luxurious brunette hair cascading over her shoulders as she held her 'Firebolt v2.1'

"Who is that?" Luna asked.

Ron looked at the parchment. And gaped.

"That's... that's Hermione," he said, and stared down at the field below. Sure enough, faint traces of the bookish tangled-hair afraid-of-flying Gryffindor were just barely visible in the girl now taking off from the pitch.

What happened next was debatable. Some generous readers would content that Hermione falling off the broom within a minute was a sign that perhaps the author knew that a Flying-Queen Hermione wasn't in character by any stretch of the imagination. Most others, however, would take the fact that she fell squarely onto Ron Weasley's lap as an unbelievable act of pure concoction. Either way, she quickly oriented herself and placed a full-fledged un-Hermionelike open mouthed kiss upon the 7th year Weasley. Ron, for his part, didn't look like he minded too much.

Luna seemed to take this in stride and announced the next contestant. "Obsidian Von Blackhart!" she said loudly over the speaker.

A purplish-black haired teen stalked onto the grounds towards the corner, obviously brooding. Even though nobody in the entire place had seen her before, they knew she must have had a dark and mysterious past that spanned several chapters dedicated to a violent alcoholic relative beating them senseless for leaving the lid off the mayonnaise jar.

It was soon clear, though, that this contest wasn't quite for her. Whether it was due to the frequent R-rated abuse they received for eleven miserable years or simply a plot device to insure the character underwent even more disappointment, Obsidian wasn't able to perform quite up to standards.

By now Hermione and Ron had finished snogging senseless and Hermione had excused herself to do some studying. "Ok..." Ron said, a bit out of breath, "The next entry is Ebony Lightning!"

Ebony was clearly cut from the same cloth as Obsidian. This certainly made sense considering both had the same color of hair, same fair skin bordering on white, same brooding despairing aura about them, and even relatively identical names. Apparently their moody existence was so pronounced that even as new babies their parents could sense a name like 'Rainbow' would be quite misplaced and gave their new children names of intense moodiness.

However, Ebony had watched her soul-sister's performance and realized that, somehow, she most overcome the myriad of obstacles of her past and the darkening of her soul if she wanted to emerge triumphant in this contest. She was a bit worried though; even though she always seemed to do this in every story she was in, it was always in the climax. If she transcended her past now and grew beyond the unimaginable horrors of her mysterious history, what could she possibly do later in the competition?

Needless to say, it was a powerful weapon she wielded, and flying under the 'Triumphantly Overcoming Adversity' category, she did possibly even better than the perfection of the first two flyers.

"Wow," McGonagall muttered. "She didn't die. Maybe she's saving that for a later round?"

"Next up," Luna said, "Is Peach Sunshine!"

Peach walked out onto the field, and Ron instantly recognized her as the girl that said hello to him earlier on the pitch. "Hi Peach!" he called out, and the blond haired girl waved back, a warm and sweet smile on her face.

"Hi, Ron!" she yelled back in a confident yet gentle voice.

"Awww..." the crowd murmured. They had, somehow, all fallen in snuggly-platonic love with Peach.

Peach, quite honestly, didn't do that well. She was a decent flyer, but she actually flew almost like a real person. Fortunately for her, it didn't matter, because it was quite clear that nobody within 500 miles was going to tell her she didn't deserve to continue on in the competition.

"Two hundred points to... to... which house is she in?" McGonagall said, quite uncharacteristically.

"Gryffindor," Ron whispered, knowing full well Peach Sunshine didn't even go to the school. But it wasn't much of a lie; even though Peach obviously had the friendly temperament to be lodged squarely in Hufflepuff; that house was almost a swear-word to a Sue, and unless you were going for full-fledged-brooding-Slytherin you would automatically be sorted into Gryffindor regardless of personal traits.

"Two hundred points to Gryffindor," McGonagall said in a kind voice, obviously losing her senses due to the cloying cuteness of Peach. It was quite lucky that Snape had killed the headmaster the year before and was thus gone from the school, because if he was around to witness this he'd never let McGonagall hear the end of her behavior.

"Ok, the next flyer is Liola Strapford Periwinkle the Third," Ron said, as an auburn-haired young lady stepped onto the pitch. It was the other girl that Ron saw before the contest, who despite having never been mentioned even offhandedly before, was a close and personal friend of Ron Weasley. And given the bit of a look she was tossing him, was hoping for a bit more.

"Quite a name," Luna remarked. "Do you think there was a Liola Strapford Periwinkle the second?"

Ron watched her fly and said despite himself, "Periwinkle is such a beautiful color... and such a beautiful name."

"Should we, er Professor, are you sure Ron should be doing the announcing?" Luna asked the professor sitting near them.

"We only have two untraceable rooms within the castle, Miss Lovegood," McGonagall explained, "So we could only hide Harry and Draco away. Ron wouldn't be any better off in the audience."

Luna was about to ask why Ron, as a major male character, wasn't worthy of being hidden from the Sue's affections and attentions. It was clear, though, at the mention of Harry's name. Liola got a wistful and longing look in her eyes, and didn't quite seem to notice Ron anymore. After all, what Sue that wasn't somehow a misplaced and unmentioned relative of Potter would pass on the Boy-Who-Lived to be close to Ron?

Ron grumbled and moodily sat back in his chair. This was patently unfair.

"She's a good flyer," Luna remarked to the off put Weasley.

"Honestly, who has a last name that's a bloody color!" he asked, somehow not seeing the radiant beauty in the name 'Periwinkle' anymore. His face scrunched up, and said, "Now that I think of it, a lot of the girls so far have been colors - Obsidian, Blackhart, Ebony, Peach, Periwinkle... and weather, too! Lightning... sunshine? Who names these freaks? Are their parents hippies?"

"The next girl," Luna announced, obviously not paying any attention to Ron's colored-weather rant, "Is Whitewind Graye McStormcloud."

"What? You're joking!" Ron exclaimed, and yanked the parchment over to look at it. "Ha-ha, her name is Whitewind Graye McStormcloud! What kind of stupid name is that?" At that, Ron began laughing and didn't even watch the next Sue's flying.

Needless to say, the utter rejection and apathy of a major canon character dealt a grievous blow to Whitewind's heart. It was almost, as impossible as it sounded, that her entire existence was defined by important characters thinking of her and pining after her. But, of course, that was ridiculous, so she blamed the bad flying on her skimpy robes.

"Our ninth flyer," Ron said, finally regaining control of himself, "Is Tilly Nordstrom. Hey, I think that's the closest thing to a normal name so far!" Tilly walked out onto the field, waving exuberantly with a mischievous grin, her purple and blue hair looking quite unnatural.

"I think she was named after a clothing store," Luna added offhandedly.

Tilly flew quite well, but it was clear she wasn't about to follow the rules. Instead of doing a double Sloth Grip Role like was asked, she instead dangled from the broom by her ankles upside down as she skimmed the Slytherin section, peppering them with open palmed swats.

"Hey, I like her!" Ron exclaimed. And, surprisingly, McGonagall had the smallest hint of a smile on her face; she too clearly didn't mind the 'House of Sin' getting what they so sorely deserved (after all, cunning is simply a synonym of Evil and Hogwarts was built expecting a quarter of the students accepted to be rotten to the core.)

However, quite unexpected to Tilly, one of the Sytherins knew some form of magic and objected to a total stranger smacking around their peers. The entire fall to the ground from her broom, she wondered how a Slytherin could possibly learn a stunning spell, let alone use it in a noble defense of their friend.

When the spell wore off, Tilly knew that she had to do a massive retaliatory prank. In the past, she'd done things like turning Snape's clothes pink. But that wouldn't do, not after Snape had left and the Weasley Twins had performed all those creative displays two years ago that far outstripped clothing-coloring. No, she had to do something far more dramatic than anything Fred or George had ever done. She stalked off, thinking furiously.

"And," Ron started, "the final flyer is Mee... my... myuh... meeuhsha... Eye... Eeeou..."

Luna pulled out an edition of the Quibbler and started reading, completely forgetting that she was also an announcer of everything going on.

"Miasha Iuzami," Ron finally managed to make out, still butchering the name. A girl walked out onto the pitch, quite unlike the rest of the contestants. Whereas all but one of the previous 9 sues were the same shade of über-fair-skinned with hints of blush, Miasha had an asian complexion and simple black hair tied in a knot behind her. And, unlike the previous 9 sues, she mounted her broom quite differently.

Miasha stood behind the broom at an angle, carefully balancing herself on one leg. Then, with a giant push off from the ground, she did a half cartwheel, half backflip, her legs curling around the broomstick and taking off quickly with the momentum her body carried forward from the maneuver. It soon seemed that the broom was doing very little of the work, and an odd form of martial arts and acrobatics were moving the broom where she wanted it. The final display came when she stood upon on the shaft, kicked down with her front foot to send the broom into a dive, and leapt forward off of it. She ducked her head, freefalling from the sky. After doing three backflips, her dive caught up with the broom and she remounted it by standing on it once again, pushing down with her back foot to level once again.

"Hello," Snape said, walking onto the pitch. "Listen, I need to explain about Dumbledore. It had to do with the Unbreakable Vow I took earlier in the summ..."

He didn't get any further. Miasha dove once again from the broom to do a summersault on the ground. Her aptly named 'Muriko's Revenge', however, continued to fly at top speed a few feet above the ground - and impaled the ex-potions and ex-defense instructor through the abdomen.

"Holy..." Ron started, but was cut off.

"We will meet back here in two hours," McGonagall said. "Prefects, lead your houses to their dormatories."

-----

Alright! I was originally planning on this to be a single chapter parody from start to finish, but it's turning out quite long. So, instead, I want to do this a bit differently.

If you're reading this before chapter 2 is out, Review! And tell me a sue you want to stay in the contest, and another you want out.

If you're reading this after chapter 2 comes out, Review! And tell me your predictions as to who goes on and who gets chucked :-)

Anyway, I hate putting up the 'I must have xxx number of reviews before I'll continue' - but I do need at least 4-6 votes before I can start writing who continues on


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: If I need to explain to you that I'm not the author of the Harry Potter series, you probably shouldn't be reading Harry Potter fanfiction parodies.

**Miss Sue**

_The Rescue_

Everyone had reassembled back on the pitch within two hours. Not merely the smattering of people there before, but every single student in the school. While some undoubtedly came because they wanted to watch some sues get the boot, the main reason was because of the rather painful and degrading death of Severus Snape and were hoping the Sues could dispatch a few of the other professors (several third years were glancing every few minutes at Trelawney.)

McGonagall quickly silenced the crowd and said, "Unfortunately, we'll have to say good bye to a few of our... guests." 'Unfortunately' didn't seem to be the right word, considering the look on McGonagall's face wasn't disappointment but utter joy at the prospect of kicking out a few of the girls.

The girls lined up, each with an unexpected look on their faces. Most were completely bored, not even harboring the thought that it might be possible for them to be less than the most important person in the universe. Obsidian and Ebony, on the other hand, were clearly expecting the worse and had their bags packed with them. Whitewind finished the odd collection, openly crying, possibly because of Ron's utter lack of pining over her, or possibly over the fact that she realized that she was mainly a comedic one-time name gag that nobody cared about.

McGonagall quickly seized on the girl's grief, and merely nodded pointedly at her. Dejected, Whitewind died. McGonagall wasn't surprised - how often did a Sue simply retreat into unimportant obscurity? "Alright... the next girl that needs to leave: Somntoe Anaya Namagirm."

Somntoe, however, was _not_ going to take this as easily. "_You Ignorant Fools_!" she said, suddenly reforming into the frame of a powerful demoness. "You have unleashed my true power! I will return and show you what suffering and evil is!" Somntoe stormed out of the pitch, her hooves pounding heavily along the grass. As her form passed throught the castle gates, and dark chilling breeze seemed to follow her, extinguishing a few of the torches along the walkways."

"Here, let me help," Peach said in her cutesy love-me-everybody-please voice, her blond hair bobbing innocently. She blinked at the torches were once again lit. "There we go! Alllllll better!"

McGonagall smiled fluffily. "Two hundred more points for Gryffindor. Thank you Peach... I mean, thank you Miss Sunshine. Now, the next person to go is: Obsidian Von Blackhart."

The pain and suffering was palpable in Obsidian's eyes, now welling a bit with fresh tears detailing just how much of her soul she had poured int...

"Hey!" McGonagall said, interrupting the volumous description. "Could you go outside and feel sorry for yourself? We've got a contest to do here."

Obsidian nodded. It was as if a layer had been peeled from her eyes that she knew th...

"Now!"

Obsidian let out a final protesting whimper before running off the field.

"The final contestant I get t... I mean, I _have_ to let go is: Temperance Kay Mathesius"

"**_WHAT!_**" Temperance squealed indignantly.

"You've been cut," McGonagall said with a bit of relish.

"But... but... but I'm the bronzed goddess with blond hair! Look at these pasty-white anime-reject poppinfreshes! I'm a _deity_ compared to them!"

"Sorry," McGonagall said, obviously enjoying this. "But absolutely nobody even said a word about you - nobody noticed or cared that you were even here."

"_What!_" Temperance squealed again, quite obviously not believing what she was hearing. "But... but I flew perfectly! And look at my gorgeous flawless body. Look!" Miss Mathesius wasn't exactly wearing modest clothes before, but in a last ditch effort to gain the attention she craved she stripped down even further and ran around the field flapping her arms. "Notice me! _Loooooovvveee me_!"

It, however, was too late. With a comic squawk that sounded like it came from a disgruntled chicken, Temperance spontaneously combusted, sending shreds of what was quite possibly the most indecent quidditch robe ever flying all over the place.

McGonagall sighed. "I love my job." However, her mood quickly soured when she realized she still had six Mary-Sues in front of her. "Ok, the next competition is: The Rescue. We will be putting you into pairs and adding a non ship-worthy canon character with you. You'll then have a conflict to overcome worthy of your abilities."

McGonagall didn't bother to stop and ask if anyone had questions, because when was the last time even the most crude Mary-Sue had to ask a professor to repeat something? She continued on, "So, the first trio is Liola Strapford Periwinkle III, Hermione Granger, and Hannah Abbot - who will have to stop the world from blowing up in a cataclysmic explosion. Second trio is Peach Sunshine, Ebony Lightning, and Terry Boot, who will have to stop the world from blowing up in a cataclysmic explosion. And the last trio is Tilly Nordstrom, Miasha Iuzami, and Pansy Parkinson - who will have to stop a burglar from stealing an old lady's purse."

"Ok," Ron said, taking over, "Let's see how my alluring love-kitten Hermione, the Potter-obsessed Ugly-Blue, and Hannah do!"

"Liola," Hermione said, her eyes lighting up at having figured out somehow instantaneously what the problem was. "I read somewhere in the library that we're seeing the signs of the Hilliam Earth-Soul-Sucking spell." She didn't mention, of course, that it was obvious a book containing such potent information would be available for any student in the castle library to read.

"My thoughts exactly," Liola said, drawing her wand. "And the only way we'll be able to do this is if we reawaken the soldier-mages of the ancient druidic kingdom of Piochet."

"I can reincarnate them," Hermione offered, not particularly caring that this was sounding less and less like a Harry Potter story by the minute and more like something out of a Final Fantasy plot.

"And I can stabalize their energies within a spell I devised when I was five to reform them in their original bodies!"

"The Tiamonde spell?"

"Yes! How did you know!"

"It devised it too."

"Then you'll be able to use the supplementary to the spell to reinforce the undertones of my power center's core matrix." This didn't make any sense to Hannah – or for that matter, McGonagall – but Liola and Hermione were past such considerations.

"Ready?"

"Ready!"

Hermione and Liola then worked together to bring the dead back to life, which considering their talents was a relatively simple affair. They were suddenly surrounded by a host of mythical soldiers holding a staff in one hand and a sword in the other. By now, almost everyone in the stadium was dozing; they could each describe to a pin drop exactly what would happen. The summoned legion would, under the captainship of the two Sues, fulfill an ancient prophecy of old and defeat a really really bad wizard that none of them had ever heard of before with a magic artifact that had never been mentioned to date in a manner that had absolutely no common element with the Harry Potter universe. And of course, in the process, save the world from a catacylsmic explosion.

Hannah, meanwhile, was meekly standing in the corner, with a 'Yes, I mattered to this somehow' look in her eyes.

"Alright," Ron said sleepily, finally waking up. "That was... nice. Next group?"

Terry knew now that he wasn't going to make the same mistake that Hannah did. He actually acted first out of the sues, and conjured up a comfortable lawn chair. "Could one of you get me a drink?" he asked, lying back on the chair.

"Of course," Peach said chipperly, and conjured him up a nice frosty strawberry-coconut smoothie. She smiled at the boy, but it was for nothing; Terry already had his eyes closed and was just kicking back to await either his salvation or the end of the world.

"So... do you like puppies?" Peach asked in a bubbling voice to Ebony.

"Shouldn't we be worried about the doom that is about to fall upon us all?" Ebony asked darkly, eyes dark with darkness.

"Just being friendly - so, do you like puppies? I love them, they're so cute and cuddly..."

"A puppy ate off my left hand when I was two. It had to be magically recreated - a very painful and grueling affair. I was then beat by my mother and father for costing them money to have the operation."

"How about little bunny rabbits?"

"A hare killed my uncle in front of my eyes when I was three. My grandmother now beats me whenever she sees one, and she lives in Nevada."

Peach wasn't going to be deterred. "Baby kitties?"

"I had a baby kitten once, but my father cooked it for dinner one day and made me eat it. Nothing tastes worse than kitty fur and the tears of an innocent four year old facing a cruel world. He beat me afterwards, too."

"Beautiful Rainbows?"

"My grandfather died in a horrible rainstorm, and I found his body just as one of those horrible things was forming over the horizon. It's always represented to me the horror and inevitability of death. But, boy, did I recieve a beating that day from my extended family."

"Cuddly Teddy Bears?"

Ebony had to think awhile. Try as she might, she couldn't come up with something traumatic and horrible that had ever been associated with a Teddy Bear. "They're not bad," she finally said.

"I love them too!" Peach said, excitedly hugging her new girl-pal.

"So, shouldn't we be worried about the doom that is about to fall upon us all?" Ebony repeated.

"Why don't the two of you use some arcane ritual," Terry suggested lightly with his eyes still closed, "To bridge the unbearable darkness and radiant brightness of your two souls to unleash a powerful surge of energy from the diachotomy of your two magicks?"

"That just might work..." they both said.

Terry suddenly heard a voracious wind, and then something that sounded like a toilet flushing. He opened his eyes, and they were both nodding to each other as if they'd done something dramatic and important.

"What?" Terry asked, confused.

"It worked," they both replied.

"What worked?"

"Your idea!"

"Wait... that was... I was just saying that as a joke! It was the most idiotic thing I could think of to say - you were supposed to laugh and come up with something believable!"

"Oh..." Ebony said despairingly, her eyes returning to their pity-me expression.

"Well, it still worked!" Peach bubbled, bouncing on the balls of her feet.

"See, now it feels like there's something missing," Terry said, laying back once again.

"Yeah, silly," Peach said, rolling her eyes. "The love interest!"

"Wha.. no, wait!"

Peach then jumped him. He wasn't ship-worthy, but he'd have to do for now. It'd been nearly 5 hours since she snogged someone, and it simply wasn't her style to not be in a romantic relationship for more than a few minutes (namely, the time it took to introduce her on page one until a main character noticed how amazing she was on page two.)

McGonagall looked at the scene in distaste and realized she'd made a smart move stowing Draco and Harry away; they never would've made it ten minutes with all of these girls here.

"Ron," Luna said suddenly, "I figured out what Somntoe's name was - it's an anagram like Tom Riddle."

"Oh?" Ron asked.

"Yes. 'My Name Is An Anagram Too'," Luna replied.

"Your name is an anagram too?" Ron asked confused.

"No," Luna said, "Her name is an anagram: My name is an anagram too."

"But you said your name is an anagram too!"

"I did not," Luna replied. "I said that _My_ name is an anagram too, not _Your_ name is an anagram too!"

"Well, of course mine isn't! So then what's your name an anagram of?"

"Mister Weasley," McGonagall groaned, "This is not a parody of Abbot and Costello, so would you please keep this moving?"

"Honestly," Luna said under her breath, "What does canon-sue even see in you?"

"Alright, and the last trio," Ron called out, and then sniggered a bit. "Stopping, stopping a purse snatch."

"You realize," Tilly said mutinously, "That this is all your fault?"

"My fault?" Miasha asked plainly. "What's my fault?"

"This challenge. I could stop a burgler with both hands tied behind my back and blindfolded. Obviously adding you to the mix detracted so much that we ended up with this."

"I've stopped many thieves," Miasha replied. "I doubt you know what you're talking about."

"I don't know what I'm talking about?" Tilly asked, incredulously. "Look at you! You look like something out of Mulan!"

"Very astute," Miasha replied evenly. "I'm Asian. Anything else blindingly obvious that you'd like to impart upon us?"

"You wretch! I've got just the prank for you!" Tilly replied, and went for her wand.

She didn't get very far; Miasha swept the legs from out under her, flipped her onto her stomach, and physically pinned her down to the ground, her tennis shoe pressed up tightly against the back of Tilly's neck. This was obviously not Tilly's day - so far in every previous story she'd been in, she got the last word and nobody really fought back. Really, it wasn't fair for her style to get crimped like this!

Meanwhile, a nice old grandmother walked by them and had her purse stolen by a mask wearing burglar.

"Stupefy!" Pansy said, stunning the man and returning the purse. She looked back at the sues and found them rolling on the ground pulling each others hair. "Thank you!" she said gratefully. "You realize this is the first time I've ever got to do something productive!" It was indeed an odd turn of fate that Pansy of all people was the savior of the day.

McGonagall was smiling; whether that was due to a non-Draco Slytherin actually doing something important or the sight of two sues going at it in a catfight was up for grabs.

"Excellent!" she said. "Alright, we're going to adjourn for two more hours for dinner. We will _not_ be meeting back here, though, and instead be in the Great Hall."

-----

Wow… let me just say, I was unprepared for the reaction I got! I just started writing a story and only got 3 reviews within a week for 2 chapters, so I was figuring I'd have to wait a bit to get enough votes to continue. Instead, 9 people reviewed within a few days!

Anyway, same thing holds. If you're reading this before chapter 3 comes out, Review and let me know who should stay on. If you're reading this after chapter 3 comes out, Review and predict who's staying on.


	3. Chapter 3

**Miss Sue**

Disclaimer: If I need to explain to you that I'm not the author of the Harry Potter series, you probably shouldn't be reading Harry Potter fanfiction parodies.

-----

McGonagall was worried that the Sues would make the dinner pure torture, through a combination of hysterical prissy-queen drama and flirting with every male that sat within 10 feet of them. However, nothing of the sort happened, for the simple reason that the Sues didn't show up for dinner.

"Hermione, are you in there?" Peach called sweetly through the door to the Head Girl's quarters. "It's Peach, and Miasha and Liola are here, too. Want to go roaming with us?"

There was no vocal answer, but a few sounds coming from the room suggested that if the author were to switch the Point Of View to Ron's perspective the story's rating might suddenly become NC-17.

"Oh, well, ok," Peach said in her bubbling, voice. The three then tracked down the room that Tilly had co-opted. "Tilly, are you in there?"

"Yeah, just a sec," Tilly called back. A few seconds later, the door opened, and Tilly was rolling up a map that looked like something out of a World War II parody - a crude map of Europe with big red X's at various points. "So, what are we doing?"

"We're going guy-hunting!" Liola said, smiling.

"Sweet!" Tilly replied, and bounded over to join them. Ebony was a harder sell - they caught her in the middle of a gratuitous flashback scene.

Unfortunately, while the school might have survived a quintet of Mary-Sues roaming the hallways for a few hours, something happened that just made everything easily 473 times worse.

"Is that... sugar?" Peach asked, pointing to a seven foot high mound of white granules.

"It is!" Liola squealed. The five sues simultaneously ran to the pile and began shoveling the substance into their mouth as their two hands could manage. Well, more accurately, the more dignified Sues did; Peach and Liola skipped the whole 'hands' part altogether. They, of course, washed down the impromptu sucrose dinner with a large bucket of highly caffeinated soda.

Five minutes later, there were five hyperactive and twitchy Sues running through Hogwarts, their feet pattering rapidly and their shrieking laughter echoing off the walls. Their rampage winded around the East Wing leaving a trail of destruction until they happened to come across a wall banner that happened to look a bit like the veil within the Department of Mysteries. The sues stopped, not quite knowing why - after all, they hardly had a thorough grip of the events of canon - but something about it tickled their brains. Finally, horribly, Tilly's author happened to recall something from when she skimmed parts of Book 5.

"SIRIUS!" she shrieked in all caps. Tilly reached behind the veil look-alike and somehow, impossibly, pulled out Harry's middle-aged godfather. "OH SIRIUS!" she shrieked and threw her arms around him.

"Er... thanks," Sirius said, suddenly finding himself back among the living with a young vivacious girl hugging him. He was about to ask where Dumbledore was when he found his lips smothered by Tilly's mouth.

"Aww..." the other four Sues cooed, somehow finding the sight of a hyperactive-to-the-point-of-insanity teenager putting the moves on a recently resurrected Sirius to be quite a romantic scene, nevermind that Sirius' arms were flailing a bit to try to find some way of disengaging from her. "It's sooooooooo romantic!"

"Let's go find REMUS!1!" Peach giggled in a tone deserving both capitalization and excessive punctuation.

-----

"Mr. Malfoy?" McGonagall said over an hour later, standing up from her chair. "Are you alright?"

Lucius limped through the Great Hall to the staff table, his robes completely torn as if someone had attempted to put them through a paper shredder. He was bruised at several places, bleeding in a few others, and held a look in his eyes of horrified shock. "No, Madame, I am not..."

"What happened?" she asked.

Lucius sat down at the table. "I came because my locating charm on my son has not been working for several hours..."

"...ah," McGonagall interrupted. "That was for his own protection from the Sues that would undoubtedly... ahhh..."

"Yes," Lucius spat. "I had no such protection myself, and was ambushed by four of them. The fact that I'm almost three times their age meant very little to them."

"Yes, well, you knew full well that fan-girls have a special place in their hearts for bad-boys wearing capes," McGonagall remonstrated. "So what happened?"

Lucius shivered, but didn't answer, giving the definite impression that the POV shift to Ron might not be the only one that would've generated an NC-17 rating.

"I see..." McGonagall said, a smirk on her face.

-----

A half hour later, nearly everyone gathered in the Great Hall once again and the Sues were thankfully over their sugar-high. It wasn't complete attendance because Harry and Draco were still missing, there was no way Lucius was ever coming back to Hogwarts again, and Snape had been finished off by a broomstick through the torso.

"Alright," McGonagall said gleefully. "It's time to get rid of two more Sues!"

"She's not even really trying to hide it anymore, is she?" Luna asked Ron. Ron didn't answer, and had a bit of a odd dreamy look in his eyes. "Oh dear," Luna said. "Looks like there was a Rhiodana Wasp loose in Ron's room."

McGonagall rolled her eyes at Luna, and said, "The first Sue to go is: Liola Strapform Periwinkle the Third."

Everyone's eyes turned to Liola, clearly expecting her to echo the earlier behavior of the bronzed goddess named Temperance. Instead, she simply kept on smiling on as usual, as if the news wasn't all that bad.

McGonagall was clearly disappointed; she obviously wanted to see another Sue explode. "I said you're gone. You're _kicked out_. We don't _want_ you here."

"Ehn," Liola shrugged. "Not a big deal. My author was thinking of moving me into a Buffy fanfic anyway, or possibly a Smurfs-Highlander crossover."

McGonagall shook her head as Liola left, probably on her way to seduce either some poor vampire or a skirt-wearing Scotsman. "Alright, and the other Sue we're getting rid of is... Tilly Nordstrom."

"NNNOOOOOO!" Tilly shouted. This definitely brought a smile to McGonagall's face. "This," Tilly shrieked, "is _Not_ how things are supposed to go! I haven't even got to play a prank yet!"

"Fine, fine," McGonagall said. "Obviously Fred and George weren't good enough for our universe. Let's see what you've got."

Tilly narrowed her eyes, waved her wand, and finished the incantation to the most brilliant, most powerful, and most utterly amazing prank she had ever attempted.

France exploded.

"There!" she said triumphantly. Apparently the suffering and deaths of 60 million people were a reasonable price to pay for Tilly's exit scene.

"Yes, yes, now go," McGonagall waved off. "We have to get to our next contest. Which, unfortunately, is the talent contest."

This brought a feeling of anxiety from most of the people. Up until now, the Sues had been relatively reigned in: Flying on a broomstick and solving a problem that was given to them. Now, though, there was the uncomfortable feeling that the contestants would be able to do whatever it was they wanted.

"First up," Luna said, "Is Ebony Lightning, who will..."

Ebony walked up to the front of the hall, and realized she was pretty much doomed. After all, there were only two defining aspects to her: suffering all by her lonesome and surviving until she could die in some tragic sacrifice. She looked deep down and realized there was nothing there - no depth, no abilities, no actual personality. And now that she thought about it, had she ever even done anything on her free time but whine and complain?

Of course, none of that helped her out now, so she thought quickly. "Er... I will be doing, um, poetry. Yeah, poetry!"

"Ok," Ron said, clearly not enjoying Ebony's subject. "Ebony Lightning will be demonstrating her poetry for us. Exciting."

Ebony started speaking, improvising poetry as best she could.

_"The stygian overcast clouds of my dismal soul_

_Roll forth, occluding faith and shadowing peace_

_Dark ghosts and phantoms dim dusk's last glow_

_Leaving but a hollow smile upon my wicked lips_

_O, cheerless void of rayless depths_

_Bind my body and spirit no more."_

At first this sounded almost impressive, until everyone realized that half the words were derivatives or synonyms of the words 'dark' and 'soul'.

"That was interesting," Luna said in an even voice.

"Er, Luna, do you have two belly-buttons?" Ron asked out of nowhere.

Luna was obviously surprised by the randomness of the question. "No," she replied.

"Hmm," Ron said, and crossed off a bit of writing on his parchment which read 'DUO NAVEL LOGO'.

"The next contestant is Peach Sunshine," Luna announced as Ron began scribbling on his parchment.

Peach smiled sweetly to everyone, and opened the doors to the Great Hall. A multitude of animals then came through the entry frame. There were two dozen birds in a mixture of red cardinals, yellow canaries, green parrots, blue bluebirds, black and orange robins, and white doves. Following the birds, several dogs sauntered in. Finally, a pair of grizzly bears lumbered in, and they all assembled at the front of the Hall. It was quite an interesting sight, as if they'd practiced their formation: The bears were in the center, flanked on both sides by the dogs, with the birds forming colorful patterns as they circled and weaved in the air.

Peach bowed, and said with a warm voice, "In addition to being telekinetic, telepathic, a metamorph, precogniscient, a multi-animgaus, an elemental mage of Earth and Air, and the grand-niece of Thor, I am pretty good with beast-speak."

As if the formation of animals alone wasn't enough of a talent demonstration, Peach turned to the host of creatures, who fell silent. After a few seconds, the dogs started in.

'Bark bark bark Barrrrkkkkk...'

'Bark bark bark Barrrrkkkkkk...'

Quite a few people could recognize what was going on - made easier by the fact that the dogs barks were actually pitched musically.

'Bark bark bark barrkkk - Tweet tweet tweet tweeeeeeeet - Roar roar roar rooooaaaaaaar...'

'Bark bark bark barrkkk - Tweet tweet tweet tweeeeeeeet - Roar roar roar rooooaaaaaaar...'

McGonagall blinked. "Are tho... are those animals singing Beethoven's Fifth Symphony!" Indeed, the Great Hall was treated to a musical serenade from the animals, joined periodically by Peach for a few beautiful melodic solo lines. When the song came to an end, the Great Hall fell into a stunned silence, following by thunderous (though slightly awestruck) applause.

"Excellent!" McGonagall said, beaming as though Peach was her long lost daughter that had just saved the world. "One thousand points to Gryffindor!"

"Were your parents Vegetarians?" Ron asked Luna.

"What?" Luna replied, once again thrown by the apparently random question.

"Where your parents Vegetarians?" Ron repeated.

"No!" She noticed what Ron had written on his sheet of parchment: 'LOUD VEGAN LOO'.

"Ronald Weasley," McGonagall remonstrated. "For the last time, the joke is over and Miss Lovegood's name is _not_ an anagram. Ten points from Gryffindor, and get on with the contest." Of course, this didn't particularly worry anyone, considering Gryffindor was still winning the house race in less than a single day with a score of 1390-0-0-0.

"The next contestant," Ron announced, "is Miasha Eye... yuu... er, the asian chick."

Miasha went to the front of the Great Hall and said in a soft voice, "I need a volunteer, please."

Luna pulled out the new edition of The Quibbler. The cover showed the supposed new 'Power Rune' uncovered beneath the ruins of Atlantis, which unfortunately looked very much like an arrow, which happened to be pointing directly at Ron Weasley.

Miasha smiled when she saw it and beckoned Ron up. Ron looked excited - he was having really good luck with the Sues for the most part - though a bit worried. After all, she had managed to kill of Snape, and who knew if she might actually kill off someone important this time around?

"I," Miasha said, "Am going to teach everyone here some simple moves to defend yourself in physical combat."

Before Ron got a chance to do anything, Miasha threw a nasty punch into his stomach, making the red-haired teen double over wheezing.

"YES!" the entire Slytherin table cheered.

It was soon clear that Miasha was hardly 'defending' herself, because Ron's aggression was confined to cowering and whimpering under a succession of blows, but frankly most people in the room were beyond caring. Even the Gryffindors would admit, Ron could get pretty blasted annoying sometimes. McGonagall, however, was shaking at her head, wondering whether Miasha's author had watched 'Miss Congeniality' one too many times.

Finally, after a comedic kick to the unmentionables, Miasha bowed to a cheering crowd while Ron writhed on the ground behind her. Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on your opinion about Ron) Peach bounded over and quickly healed him of any discomfort or pain.

"That was wonderful!" Luna said warmly. Ron glared at her darkly; after all the things she deadpanned and was unenthusiastic about so far in the contest, the thing that drew her from her shell was watching him get the stuffing beat and kicked out of him.

"Next up, Hermione Granger," Ron said in a voice that was still the slightest smidgen too high.

Hermione walked up to the front of the hall while carrying four sheaths. "I am going to demonstrate my consummate mastery of swordsmanship. Professeur Flitwick, could you please come up and assist me?"

"Wait, I'm confused... since when did fencing become a part of the wizarding world?" Ron asked Luna. "I mean, it's not like it was ever mentioned in the entire six years of canon."

"What about Godric Gryffindor's sword Harry used in the chamber of secrets?" Luna replied.

They both ignored the looks of pining that flashed over the Sues faces at the mention of The-Boy-Who-Lived. "Oh yeah," Ron said, rolling his eyes. "Because a wizard that lived _thousands_ of years ago had a sword must mean that they're still used today. And for that matter, why do Flitwick and Hermione know how to fence? That's never been mentioned anywhere!"

"You're right," Luna said. "Usually it's Draco, Lucius, Snape, and Harry that do sword fighting, even if it's never been mentioned before in canon."

Hermione glared at them for blowing up a ten-foot hole in her proposed talent exhibit. After all, it wasn't as if being able to suddenly spawn sleek brown hair at a moment's notice was a good enough talent for this show! Hermione unsheathed the swords which turned out to be ancient Japanese katanas. She handed two to Flitwick and then adopted a defensive stance.

Due to a massive creativity block (rather common when Sues were involved, after all), the author then proceeded to copy and paste from the script of 'Revenge of the Sith'. A few Find-Replace's later, 'Yoda' became 'Flitwick', 'Darth Sidius' became 'Hermione', and 'Shrivelled evil face with glowing red eyes' became 'Angelic aura with perfect flowing brunette hair that bounced as she gracefully moved'. And aside from a few offhand mentions to 'the force', nobody would be the wiser.

"That was nice," Luna replied, picking up her Quibbler again.

McGonagall stood up and said, "Alright. Everyone please report back to your dormitories, and regather between the quidditch pitch and the Great Lake in two hours. Yes, this is past curfew, which will be suspended for this night only. Contestants, please stay here." She had a worried look on her face, and though nobody knew it, it was because she alone knew what was coming up next for the final contest...

-----

Wow - bit longer than I was expecting!

Anyway, this is the next to last chapter here. REVIEW, especially if the last chapter hasn't come out, because the next/final contest is going to be one heck of a time... ;-)

Same as before, if you're reading this after the last chapter has come out, review with what you think/hope/expect to happen ;-)


	4. Chapter 4

**Miss Sue**

Chapter 4: The Horrible Conclusion of it All

Disclaimer: If I need to explain to you that I'm not the author of the Harry Potter series, you probably shouldn't be reading Harry Potter fanfiction parodies.

-----

Once the hall was clear, McGonagall turned to the Sues, a look of utter disgust on her face. "I need all four of you to change clothes. To something formal as well as a bit... flirty." The last word, from McGonagall's mouth, almost sounded like a swear word; indeed, her face looked like she'd sucked on a lemon for a few minutes. The Sues, understandably, were ecstatic, and quickly rushed out to change.

Hermione returned first, her hair even more sleek than usual, but it wasn't what immediately drew the eye. She was wearing a midnight blue dress that clung to her body, showing off the changes to her form over the six years as well as the additional changes after the fanfic author got ahold of her. It certainly didn't hurt that the dress had a slit up one leg, which the author used to vent numerous adjectives about her thigh.

Miasha arrived next in a rather unique outfit, looking like a modification of the kimono-wrap. Generally said, Kimono-wraps were relatively modest, wrapping fabric over the tops of shoulders to crisscross over the upper chest. The silky black and silver flower-patterned kimono Miasha had wrapped herself in, however, was not anything of the sort. Instead of wrapping over the top of her shoulders, it was wrapped over her the very edge of her shoulder, dangerously close to sliding down along her arms. And, correspondingly, the material left uncovered quite a bit more of her chest than a more conventional wrapping.

Peach and Ebony arrived last within a few seconds of each other; both the similarities and the differences of their appearances were striking. The dresses both were wearing were almost identical in form and shape, designed to highlight their bodies. Their hair had the same straight sheen to it, and their skin was almost a dead-on match of light and fair.

However, the differences were equally apparent. The color of the dresses couldn't be more different; Ebony's was a shade of darker-than-black, while Peach's was purer-than-white. Ebony's hair was a shiny black while Peach's was a light blond. Peach had a small smile of comfort and confidence while Ebony had a somewhat serious expression on it. All in all, they looked each looked quite a bit like an archetype - Ebony of an evil seductress and Peach of an elven enchantress.

"Finally, the description is over," McGonagall muttered. She didn't particularly enjoy the fact that the four women's appearance had warranted several paragraphs, especially since the author never bothered to describe her own robes in any of the scenes so far. The headmistress lead the contestants out of the castle where they were greeted by a rather unique sight. Bleachers were slowly flying through the air, each holding a handful of students. But within a few seconds, they all shifted color, perfectly blending in with the night sky, making it almost impossible to see them, even if you knew they were there and were looking for them. Correspondingly, the white-noise of all the students talking was slowly muted to nothing as well. While McGonagall found the idea of hundreds of people watching you silently and invisibly a bit disturbing, the Sues didn't even bat an eyelash.

"Ok, let's get this over with quick," McGonagall said. "The first one to leave is... Hermione."

The change was remarkable. Hermione's skin, which had been a smooth and radiant vision, suddenly turned back to an ordinary variety - blemishes and imperfections included. Her hair, which frankly belonged in a shampoo commercial, turned back to its trademark tangled and bushy appearance. Her flawless sparkling smile suddenly bore teeth of a realistic off-white, even including faint leftover traces of her original buck-toothed appearance. Really, it was a sad thing that no commercial photographers were around, because within five seconds they could have 'Before' and 'After' photos for any range of hair, skin, or dental products.

Canon-sue had finally been vanquished.

"Professor," Hermione said in a slightly-annoying voice that was completely unlike the smooth melodic tenor the last few hours, "How am I going to get up into the stands?"

McGonagall smiled. "Welcome back, Miss Granger. I believe the bleacher Mr. Weasley is on hasn't taken off yet..."

Hermione stumbled over to a set of invisible stands, and found a hand taking hers to help guide her onto a seat. "Ron?" she asked.

"Yeah," Ron said, with a voice mixed between regret that she was no longer an alluring love kitten, and relief that she was back to the young woman he'd known for the last six years. At least she still had the dress, even if it didn't have quite as much to highlight.

"And, the other Sue no longer in the competition..."

"I knew it!" Ebony cried, and pulled out a rather ornate dagger. "A prophecy was made when I was born that I would have to sacrifice my life at this moment, for the good of the entire world."

"Er," McGonagall said, "But, you see..."

"I tried to ignore it, tried to deny my destiny. But part of me always knew... I know you won't understand now, but this is something I have to do."

With that, Ebony turned the dagger on herself and threw herself upon it. In a paragraph replete with details about her noble and selfless sacrifice, she drew her last gasp of air and fell to her death upon the grass.

McGonagall frowned, and ripped up the sheaf of parchment which read 'Finalists: Peach Sunshine and Ebony Lightning'. Ordinarily Ebony would get an elaborate funeral in which every single person in the known universe would attend to cry over her. Frankly, McGonagall didn't want to deal with the hassle of that (honestly, the logistics of Dumbledore's funeral was quite enough for her), so she cast a levicorpus spell on Miss Lightning and quickly magicked her onto the surface of the Great Lake. A quick transfiguration spell, and Ebony's body suddenly became solid silver - and as equally quick sank beneath the waves. Who knew - maybe the Merpeople would appreciate a brand new statue, even if it was of a human?

----

"What do you suppose we're doing here, Potter?" Draco said through the fireplace.

Harry shrugged. "Death eater attack?"

"No, they're all on vacation," Draco replied.

"Uh-huh," Harry said, rolling his eyes.

"They are!" Draco protested, but saw that the Gryffindor clearly didn't believe him.

"Well, at least we got supper provided," Harry said, gesturing to his now-finished plate. And though he wouldn't say it, he was glad that McGonagall rigged the fireplaces in the two rooms that they were stowed away at to have a firecall portal. It's not as if he enjoyed talking to Draco, but it beat hour after hour of complete silence with nothing to do. "When do you suppose McGonagall will let us out?"

It was Draco's turn to shrug.

"Ok, you two," McGonagall's voice echoed through the chambers. "You can come out now."

A soft click came from the doors, indicating that they were no longer locked.

"Finally," Harry said. "Why did we have to hide away in here anyway?"

"The school has been host to some... guests that you might find a bit unpleasant, Mister Potter."

"Death eaters?" Harry asked, concerned.

"They are on vacation," Draco insisted once again.

McGonagall ignored them and said, "Come on, you have to be out at the grassy area between the pitch and the Great Lake in ten minutes."

Harry and Draco left their rooms; Draco had been in the Room of Requirement, while Harry had been stashed away, of course, in the Chamber of Secrets - the only two rooms in the castle McGonagall knew of that were immune to location spells. With a silent curiosity, they both made their way to the grounds that McGonagall had specified.

---

"The fourth and final exhibit," McGonagall said in distaste, "Is the Fluff Contest. Miss Iuzami, Miss Sunshine, within a few moments Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy will be arriving. Miss Sunshine, you will be paired with Mr. Malfoy, while Miss Iuzami will be with Mr. Potter." McGonagall then stepped onto the last bleacher, also turning near-invisible, knowing that this was going to be one of the sickest sights she had ever witnessed. In fact, just the sight of the Sues barely managing to hold back their salivation at the prospect of unrestrained fluff with the two most shippable male students was sick enough already.

Harry and Draco arrived shortly and found, oddly enough, two very alluring women waiting for them.

"What's this?" Harry asked, an eyebrow raised. Draco didn't say anything, and merely narrowed his eyes suspiciously.

"Draco," Peach said in her sweet voice, "I've been waiting for you! I was wondering if we could take a walk down by the lake..."

Iuzami took a cautious step forward to Harry and said with a small bow, "Harry, I don't suppose you'd join me stargazing?"

Harry and Draco shot a look at each other. While the women were definitely appealing, neither were stupid enough to just blindly say 'yes' to something as fishy as this. Further, Harry already had feelings for another girl, but had to call it off because he didn't want her to get hurt - so it's not as if he was open for any sort of new fling. And Draco had many many lessons from his father about the corrupting influence women could have if not properly watched, so he was one of the last people to jump hastily into any sort of relationship.

McGonagall grimmaced. There was one last bit she needed to do. She whispered an incantation under her breath, one which undid the magic surrounding the school that she had erected the previous evening. While it wasn't infallible, it protected the occupants to a large degree from the complete canon-destroying effects of Sue-dom. In other words, up until now, Ron Weasley was Ron Weasley, not what some fanfic author wanted him to be to fit the story line. Now, though, the Sue authors had free reign on just what Harry and Draco did. Truly, it was more insidious and evil than Imperius.

"Of course," Harry said gently, smiling at Miasha in an abrupt reversal.

"That sounds alright," Draco replied to Peach. With that, the pairs seperated, Draco and Peach heading towards the lake while Harry and Miasha went the other way to a nearby hilltop.

Flitwick tugged gently on McGonagall's robe sleeve. "Which one do we want to follow and watch?" he asked. After all, each bleacher could hardly follow both of the pairs.

"Ugh," McGonagall groaned. "Is neither an option?" she asked in a bit of an uncharacteristic whine. She knew, though, that this needed to be carefully supervised. "Might as well follow Mr. Malfoy - I imagine that more people are going to watch Mr. Potter, so hopefully things won't get too out of control."

-----

Draco and Peach walked along the short grass, walking towards the Great Lake, whose surface was softly sparkling from the moonlight. He looked over to her as she walked next to him and couldn't help but imagine her to be a sort of living patronus. A lady of such radiance, purity, and grace that merely being next to her calmed the grey storms in his soul.

"I've never met anyone like you," he whispered, not really meaning to.

"I know," she replied back in a soft and kind voice. "And I've never met anyone quite like you, Draco..."

Draco found his hand nearest her lifting up into the air, and with a hesitation, brushed along her bared shoulder, almost as if he was trying to make sure she wasn't some wonderful figment of his imagination. Upon feeling the soft smooth flawless skin of her shoulder, he blushed a faint bit, sure that he had earned a rebuke from her. It would be quite deserved, and he was acting quite unlike himself and felt quite out of balance.

Instead, she stopped walking to turn and face him, a gentle smile upon her face. "It's ok, Draco," she whispered, and took his hand with hers. Her other hand came up to his cheek, tenderly brushing a lock of Draco's blond hair behind his ear. "I know how hard it's been for you... how hard you've been fighting..."

She apparently didn't know, though, how much McGonagall was gagging 50 feet above her.

-----

Harry walked a bit behind Iuzami as they made their way up the hill. He couldn't help but look her over, not so much because of how she looked (Harry could admit it, she was far more amazing and exotic than any woman he'd ever seen before) but the aura coming from her. It was as though she'd weathered the same struggles, suffering, and storms as he had - that she'd never had a normal life. But there was a sense that she was above it, that her mind did not dwell on it and that she was completely at peace with herself and the universe. When they got to the top of the hill, Harry took off his outer robe and spread it out on the ground, giving them an impromptu blanket for them to lie on.

"I'm not what you expected, am I?" Miasha whispered to him with a faint smile on her face as they lied side by side facing up at the night sky.

"No," Harry replied honestly.

"What did you expect?" she whispered back to him.

"Someone... someone pure and good-hearted... someone innocent and who really doesn't quite even know what evil is..."

"Well," Miasha said softly, "I don't think that'd be a good description of me. Unless you live as a turtle that never sticks its head out, you will see and hear evil. But that is good, because to fight something, you must first understand it." She continued with an even softer and exposed voice, "I don't think I'd expect the same as you."

"Hm?" Harry murmurred, watching a shooting star. "Why not?"

"Well," Miasha said softly, "I'd rather have someone that could understand what I've gone through... I don't know if a sheltered person could understand either of us, Harry."

Harry couldn't help but turn on his side. She'd voiced something his heart had been trying to tell him for the longest time, that nobody at Hogwarts could possibly understand him. His brain had tried to insist that Ginny was his soul mate, that she was the closest person who had experienced first hand Voldemort's power, that she wasn't some sheltered girl. But he knew now, and he'd always known... it was a false hope.

Ron, however, was hoping that his sister sitting next to him wouldn't kill the Boy-Who-Lived the next day at breakfast.

-----

"Have you ever kissed someone before?" Draco asked Peach, looking over the sparkling surface of the lake as they sat upon its sandy beach. He asked, not because he really wanted to know the answer, but because no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't stop thinking about how wonderful it would be.

"A few times," Peach said, blushing a little. "How about you?"

Draco looked down, and said with a bit of quite uncharacteristic modesty, "Only a few times."

They slowly leaned forward, eyes closing just as slowly. Finally, after an eternity of anticipation, their lips softly brushed against each other. They felt a warm shiver run up their spines, a glowing magical aura seeming to surround their souls in what had to be the most amazing and heartfelt kiss in the entirety of the universe.

McGonagall gagged again. "That is just _disgusting_! She was snogging the boy's _father_ not four hours ago!"

-----

"Your robe isn't very big," Miasha said with a bit of a smile, indicating at the robe they were lying on next to each other.

"I'm not sorry," Harry replied, smiling himself. "Otherwise we might not be lying so close together."

"Oh, I don't know," Miasha said, and turned onto her side to face him, her hand resting on the t-shirt covering Harry's chest. "I think I'd be this close to you no matter how large your robe was. She slowly half-rubbed, half-tickled the cotton fabric covering a well-defined chest.

"Mmmmm..." Harry murmurred, welcoming the touch.

Ron gaped. "Since when was Harry ever described as good looking? He's a scrawny boy, not some muscled body-builder! Right Ginny?" From the look on Ginny's face, it seemed that while Ginny was peeved at Harry, it most certainly wasn't because of his newfound physique...

-----

And then it happened.

Saving the author from having to come up with some contrived way yet again to avoid a PG ratings slip, Voldemort stormed over the grounds.

"What is going on?" he demanded in a foreboding voice.

McGonagall was instantly worried - they hadn't yet determined the greatest sue! She returned to visible the stands that the staff was on, and warily asked, "What do you mean?"

"Listen, McGonagall," Voldemort ranted. "I was told that this would be a Humor-Parody fic and thus would not require any death eater attacks. And considering that the Ministry of Labor-Relations has been pestering me for years now, I decided it'd be a good time to let my minions take their first ever vacation."

"That's nice of you," McGonagall said, not quite believing what she was hearing.

"Yes," Voldemort hissed. "They had a wonderful villa all to themselves to rest and relax in the hills of Southern France!"

"Ahhhh," McGonagall said, understanding. "Were any of them able to apparate out before the country blew up?"

Voldemort didn't bother answering and merely glowered. "I think it's time I finally kill you... Wh... what is that!"

Everyone looked to where the Dark Lord was pointing.

"Oh my G... Somntoe!"

Sure enough, a twenty-foot tall demoness was quickly treading up the pathway towards them, a purplish-red aura trailing as though the very air itself turned evil when it touched her skin.

"Listen," Voldemort said angrily to the new arrival, "You're going to have to come back later wh..."

Somntoe, however, was not going to be put off by someone as insignificant as He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. She quickly picked him up and ate him, absorbing his magical energy and power into her body.

"I've come back to tell you all," she said with a raw fury after finishing her tasty snack, "That I will be opening the gates of the netherworlds exactly seven months and three days from now, and just for your petty jealousy of my powers, I shall open it within these grounds! The gruesomeness of your impending deaths will be unmatched in all of history!"

With a loud deep-throated cackle, Somntoe left. As soon as she had, a soft phoenix song began to echo around the grass, followed by the appearance of Fawkes.

McGonagall's eyes widened in surprise, and took the note Fawkes had held in his claw.

_Headmistress McGonagall,_

_If you've received this note, I've died and Voldemort has been defeated by the 'Greatest Sue'. Unfortunately, the prophecy also spelled out that this Sue is actually an enemy far more powerful, cunning, and evil than Voldemort ever was. The good news is, the prophecy detailed that a savior would emerge to bring this Sue to her salvation - a young man by the name of Gary-Stu. Find him, and finally rid the world of evil!_

_Oh, and feed Fawkes, too. He likes Fabulous Phoenix Fare brand with marshmallow chunks. Don't let him have any chocolate, though - he'll poop all over the office for weeks._

_- Albus Dumbledore_

"That. _Is_. **_It_**!" McGonagall said, shaking in fury. "I'm going to learn how to resurrect people and bring Albus back from the dead, just so I can _kill him myself_!"

-----

**Epilogue – A Letter from Ron**

_Hermione,_

_I miss you! I really wish you could've come over for Christmas this year, things aren't the same without you._

_I have some really good news, though! Remember that broom Miasha flew? Murikos Revenge? Well, the ministry finished Snape's autopsy - the dark mark apparently does something to make it nearly impossible to magically scan a body - and my dad managed to take home the 'murder weapon'. Miasha said she didn't want it - she said she was going to a place called 'Dragonball Q' or something - so I've got a brand new, better-than-firebolt broom! Haha, Harry will be so jealous!_

_Well, he won't be jealous until at least after Christmas break, because I don't think he's really noticed much of anything that doesn't involve Ginny in some way since break started. Right now he's upstairs in my sister's room, and I'm trying not to think about what might be going on. Even worse, they've been talking about doing some fluff fics - between you and me, I think it's because Ginny wouldn't mind if a fluff author decided to give Harry back those muscles he had back at the end of that contest._

_When the two of them aren't snogging, though, we came up with a really fun game that the three of us play - Ginny named it 'Depression Bingo'. You see, Harry found Ebony's diary a few days before break and turned it over to McGonagall, in case there was some curse on it. Well, McGonagall didn't want it, so when she finished examining it, she owled it back to Harry! Anyway, we made up these bingo cards with words like 'Dark', 'Suffer', and 'Soul' - and then start reading from the diary. We've only played three rounds so far - I won the last one on a diagonal with Beating-Misery-FreeSpace-Dead-Blackness._

_I asked dad if there's anything new with Somntoe. He replied in this sort of half-grim half-amused voice that I should consider myself lucky that McGonagall convinced them to hold the Gary-Sue contest at Durmstrang, because if even half of what he's heard is true, nobody will be left sane by the end. Other than that, he won't tell me anything, so Harry and I have been guessing where the opening will be. Harry insists it will be the Slytherin commons, even though Somntoe said it would be on the grounds, not in the castle. I think it will be at that commode between the greenhouses and the quidditch pitch. If there was going to be a foul and evil portal to some twisted dimension, I think that outhouse would be the natural location for it._

_Oh - I almost forgot. I got a letter from Draco Malfoy yesterday. Get this, it was an invitation to a church! I don't know what kind of number Peach did on that boy, but apparently the two of them started up a New Age ministry in northern Bristol. I don't quite know what to think, because I can't imagine Malfoy giving a religious sermon._

_Witherwings attacked the house again last night. You know, I guess I thought Harry would take the time to write his recently resurrected godfather, but apparently he's too busy now that he's dating my sister. At first Sirius tried polite letters, then firecalls - which apparently didn't get Harry's attention, since he resorted to sending his hippogryph every few days to terrorize the household at three in the morning._

_Hope things are going good for you, and I'll see you in a few days back at Hogwarts! Miss you!_

_- Ron_

-----

Thanks everyone for reviewing! This has definitely been a joy to write, and I hope you all enjoyed reading it!


	5. Notice

**Miss Stu**

**------------------------------------------------**

Sigh, I enjoyed writing (and going back to read) Miss Sue wayyyyyy too much, and several people have requested me to continue.

So, I have. The first chapter is now up on a sequel named 'Mister Stu'

Hope you all enjoy!


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